Articles by Tolly
 
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by Tolly P. Salz

  • Time of violation: 3:10 PM
  • Location of violation: near Armstrong Elementary School
  • Violation: Blocking neighbor's driveway

 

I consider myself a very good driver. I don't speed in school zones, park in handicapped spaces, or drag race down residential streets. I can parallel park with the best of 'em, I use my turn signal almost religiously, and I think that people who don't let me out of my driveway are rude.

Which brings me to today's violation: a terribly ugly silver minivan blocking someone's driveway this afternoon near Armstrong Elementary School.

As I walked with my child (not in hand but rather three feet behind me), I came upon a childhood friend talking with a neighbor (who, incidentally, was hand-in-hand with her child). We chatted briefly, and then, as if late to understanding the punch line of some joke, I realized what they were talking about—the offensive grey mass preventing exit or entry into a fenced-in driveway.

And then, to my horror, I realized that the automobile so beautifully parallel parked was, in fact, my very own. I was parked parallel to the curb all right, except for the fact that the curb happened to be nonexistent in the spot I had created for myself. Total idiot move.

But I've got to tell you something: the homeowner was beyond gracious, and in her own way, didn't treat me like an idiot at all—even though I probably deserved it. Her kindness—her forgiveness, even—touched me and reminded me what it is to be a good neighbor, something that in my haste and narrow-sightedness I had forgotten.

So as we travel throughout our community, as we walk together with one another, let's tread softly, and kindly, with eyes wide open, focused thoughtfully on the road ahead.

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Tolly P. Salz

Too often, we focus on the negatives in our day:  a recent outbreak of lice, a crying child who refuses to be consoled, piles of laundry that seem to breed without end, random patches of grass in the yard that simply will not grow.  And what if that particular day brought also a nasty dose of identity theft, just in case you needed some extra excitement in your life?

Well, you can sit and pout, feeling sorry for yourself; or, you can get out and do something to change not the situation, but instead, your attitude toward it.  Some problems we can tackle on our own; others call for backup.

When was the last time you made a visit to your local Department of Public Safety?  It’s amazing:  Just when I thought I was having a bad day, spending two hours at the HPPD helped me put everything in perspective. 

I think I have problems?  Not even close.  I think my day is busy?  Ha.  I’m overworked, underpaid, and underappreciated?  I don’t think so. 

Every single person in that station tonight went above and beyond to help me, to listen to me, even to make me laugh—all while they were doing their job to keep every one of us in our community safe.  I know because I watched them working for two straight hours, behind the scenes, just doing their jobs.  And not once did I hear anyone utter the words, “Thank you.”

Granted, we aren’t always there to say thank you to these people who help make our community what it is.  But perhaps we should make an effort to do so.  The next time you’re out, stop by your local Department of Public Safety.  Bring some doughnuts or other overly clichéd treat—it doesn’t really matter.  Just take the time to say thank you.

The gratitude I have for these officers far overpowers the negatives I feel about my day.  And so, to all who work in the Town of Highland Park’s Department of Public Safety, I just want to say, “Thanks.”

You really made my day.

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By Tolly P. Salz

"We must howl against the insanity going on around us day after day after day." Initially speaking to an audience of young, eager college students, author Ernest Gaines implored them to follow the models of thinkers and writers such as Henry David Thoreau and to howl about the various injustices in our world. Simply sitting idly by will not beget a brighter future—for anyone.

In his "Civil Disobedience," Thoreau states that if we are wise, we will not leave what is "right to the mercy of chance," and that if we are to have a truly "just" government, then "it must have the sanction and consent of the governed." As adults active in the political process, we understand these concepts. Yet what do we do when we see the government making decisions that we feel are not right, that we believe are not just? Do we howl? Or do we simply go about our business, as usual?

Whether we want to admit it or not, Texas (which certainly is not alone) is facing a crisis of pandemic proportions. And sadly, its victims are those with no legal rights, of no means to self-advocate and howl for justice in the legal system. These victims rely on us, as parents, educators, and community members, to advocate on their behalf. We must howl for them—and if not now, then when?

How can we sit by when the leader of our state seriously considers rejecting $830 million dollars in federal education funds—while simultaneously proposing to cut billions from an already underfunded public education system? How can we sit by when our own governor refuses to tap into the $9.3 billion in rainy day funds—funds that could ensure a brighter future for residents of our states, citizens of our country? How can we sit by when Perry plays political footsie with his friends, promising millions in grants and programs that will have no positive impact on future generations of this great state?

I refuse to sit by and watch our state suffer from such poor mismanagement. Yet I cannot fault Perry alone. If I refuse to howl, I also have to fault myself.

Thoreau states that "Unjust laws exist"; and then asks, "Shall we be content to obey them, or shall we endeavor to amend them, and obey them until we have succeeded, or shall we transgress them at once?" And while I'm not advocating the transgression of one particular law that has been passed, I am advocating the need for each of us to recognize the constitutional rights provided for all children in the state of Texas.

According to the Texas Constitution, Article 7, (Education), Section 1 (Support and Maintenance of System of Public Free Schools),

"A general diffusion of knowledge being essential to the preservation of the liberties and rights of the people, it shall be the duty of the Legislature of the State to establish and make suitable provision for the support and maintenance of an efficient system of public free schools."

Arguably, the Legislature has a duty to ensure that all children in the state of Texas have access to public schools that are supported and maintained by the very government who recognizes that knowledge is essential if we are to preserve the rights of the people. And this is a right I'm willing to howl about. For if we deem that children are not worthy of this knowledge, of this support, of this "efficient system," then essentially we are denying them an essential constitutional right. And that is not a "right" that I am comfortable leaving to the "mercy of chance."

As a mother, I demand these rights for my children. As an educator, I demand these rights for all children. And I'm not alone. Thanks to the efforts of Aledo School Board member Bobby J. Rigues, school boards and community members from school districts all over Texas can get involved. To find out more about Rigues's efforts, visit his site (http://www.schoolpriority.com), and find out how you can begin to howl. If you are not convinced that we need to howl, then visit our own state's website that details clearly where our state stands in education, nationwide—before these proposed budget cuts have gone into effect: (http://www.window.state.tx.us/comptrol/wwstand/wws0512ed). If things are this bad now, how much worse can they get?

Marie Curie stated that "You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals. To that end each of us must work for his own improvement, and at the same time share a general responsibility for all humanity." By howling, by exercising our constitutional rights so that we can ensure the constitutional rights of others, we can be proactive in sharing in this general responsibility for all of humanity. To do anything less almost seems inhumane. At the very least, to do anything less certainly seems unjust.

These children in our state are our future. What, exactly, do we wish to be educating them? That personal favors should override ethical decisions? That interests of big business outweigh the importance of an educated populous? That it is right to have your constitutional rights ignored?

It is time to howl for justice. It is time to howl for advocacy. It is time to howl for constitutionality. It is time to howl for humanity. It is time to howl for what is right.

It's time for all residents in the state of Texas to get involved. Write your local state legislators. Meet with your local school board members. Draw a line in the sand, if you will, for if we refuse to educate the next generation of leaders, then what will this state, this nation, this world become?

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By Tolly P. Salz

 

I’ll admit it:  there are some days that I feel like the lousiest parent around.  Not only do I have working mom’s guilt, but also I sometimes don’t make my kids dinner from scratch and sometimes do leave dirty dishes in the sink.  I’m writing this after de-lousing the house, including my own hair.  It’s not pretty.  And while I know that not every meal has to be homemade nor does every dish need to be put up immediately (nor does every child bring home lice), I sometimes secretly use these “must be done’s” as measures of successful parenting. 

Sometimes I think that if I served better meals and kept a tidier house, it might mean that I’ve really got things under control here at home.  That somehow, these deeds alone would produce better behaved children.  I earnestly pray that people who come over don’t get around to looking in my pantry (yes, I have a hidden candy stash) or hall closets (yes, I have a pile of junk mail and other assorted papers from circa 1994 nicely collecting dust in there as well).  But I wonder, do these “faults” really make me a bad parent?

Searching for an answer, I did what all high school students do:  I “googled” it.  Who knew that googling “parenting books” would yield 74, 400, 000 results?  By the time I exhausted that search, my kids would be grown.  And I don’t really have all that time and energy.  My kids need me.

I could run to the bookshelf and pull tomes from Dr. Benjamin Spock or the famous Parenting with Love and Logic series (confession:  I am a complete and utter failure—I’ve got a lot of love but come up short on the logic end).  Or, I could make myself feel better (or worse, perchance?) with a quick perusal of Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. 

Honestly, though, some days my kids are more wolf than tiger (though think wolf cub; we’ve got that “pack” thing going on here with three boys who sometimes prefer the “outdoor pee”—and if you want to know the truth, I’m okay with that because it means the bathroom will be much cleaner when I need to use it).  And with this confession, I can hear echoes of “The Horror!  The Horror!” 

But my life isn’t a Conrad novel.   Nor is it a Battle Hymn.  It hardly even qualifies as a song.  Not even a jingle.  But you know what?  This life is mine.  And I’ve got three awesome kids to raise—and one lifetime to do it in.  So how can I keep sane while raising children who, someday, will be men of character who walk proudly—with wisdom, grace, and compassion—in this world? 

I may not have all the answers, but parent Brad McCoy comes closest to “getting it right,” more so than any other author I’ve read (aside from Wendy Mogel in her parenting treatise The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, which takes a close second to McCoy’s words of wisdom).

Thanks to parents Scott and Alexis Wagoner and other ABPA, HPA, and UPPA families, I had the opportunity to hear Brad McCoy—parent, teacher, and coach—speak last Wednesday evening.  It was amazing:  no tricks, no gimmicks, no changing who you are; just the basics of good parenting.  Just a gentle reminder—as well as a much-desired “permission slip”—to be the best parent you can be, as long as you’re being intentional with your parenting. 

If we are to “prepare the child for the path and not the path for the child,” we must be intentional with how we parent our children, McCoy argued in his presentation that was both humorous and wise.  While I don’t want to ruin his next talk by spoiling the jokes (loved the one about the “mother’s intuition”) and side stories (Colt’s bull riding, for example), I will instead briefly highlight the main points of his talk. 

  • “Prepare the child for the path and not the path for the child.”  McCoy emphasizes the importance of raising your kids to be prepared for anything life brings their way.  We can’t orchestrate how things are going to work in the “real world,” but we can ensure that we equip our children with the strength and courage to be successful in any situation.  When parents demand that their child (along with the 10 best football players) start in the football game—and that the team win all of its games—the parent is setting the child up for failure, either now or in the long run.  We cannot predict the future for our children, but we can teach them how to cope with failure and disappointment.

    What greater evidence than Colt McCoy’s response during and after the National Championship Game, when Texas lost in the Rose Bowl to Alabama.  The McCoys had prepared their son so well for “rocks” in the path, that when he had leave the game, injured, he came back out to support his team, remained positive, and went on to play in the NFL.  He and his family didn’t blame others for the setback, and nothing the McCoys could do at that time could fix his situation; they could not change the path for their child.  Rather, they had to trust that all they had taught Colt over the years would help him on his path. As an avid Texas fan (and admirer of the Tide), I’d say to all of the McCoys, “Job well done.”
  • “Be intentional.”  Yet preparing the child for the road doesn’t happen on its own.  As parents, we must be intentional about what we teach our children if we wish for them to succeed.  What do we value?  What do we wish to instill in our children?  We must prioritize our values and set out to teach them—with intention—to our children.  If we want our children to be successful on the path, we must be intentional in teaching them along the way.
  • Be aware of what you are modeling.  As we prioritize what we wish our kids to know, we have to take a careful inventory of ourselves.  How do we spend our time?  How do we spend our money?  Our children are watching what we spend our time and money on, and they will follow in our footsteps.  So are we setting an example of what we want for our children to become?  Of what habits we hope they develop?  He reminds us that the gap between more and enough never closes, and focusing our priorities solely on acquiring things can aid in fostering entitlement in our children. How we spend our time and what we teach our children, McCoy argues, says a great deal about the kind of people we are.

    We must be intentional with our priorities, and that means bringing a sense of balance into play. Too many priorities are not good for anyone and can result in family members being confused and overwhelmed.  However, if we are intentional with our priorities and are modeling good choices, we are showing our children what it takes to be successful on the path, regardless of obstacles in the way—obstacles that are out of our control.
  • Set—and communicate—your values.Just as we should be intentional in modeling our beliefs for our children, so too should we communicate our values on a regular basis.  For years, McCoy has told each of his sons on a daily basis:  “Do your best and be a leader.”  He never told kids to be the best; rather, he told them to DO their best and to BE a leader. For the McCoy family, being a leader has meant being intentionally selfless, recognizing the strengths of others around them.  Colt knew that he wouldn’t lead the Horns to a National Title without his teammates, and his actions on the field echoed his beliefs.  Our children should know what we believe not only by what we do but also by what we say to them on a daily basis.  And on that day in January, Colt did his best and proved that he was a leader, standing on the sidelines, helping his teammates in the only ways he could.
  • “Suck it up.”  McCoy told a great story about one of his children, who, being rushed while eating a bowl of soup, responded to his dad’s “Suck it up!” with a teary, “I’m tired of sucking it up.”  But there are days when parents and children do have to “suck it up.”  We’ve got to suck it up as parents.  While it hurts sometimes, we can’t rescue our kids—or ourselves—from everything.  We must remember that there won’t be a trophy for everyone at the end of a championship game.  There are times when our team loses.  We have the opportunity to raise our children to be prepared for the rocks in the path.  And if we are being intentional in our parenting—if we are “sucking it up” when times get tough—then our children will benefit.

    Brad McCoy also encouraged parents to Know the difference between being hurt and being injured.  He notes that there is a difference between hurt and injured.  You can’t keep a child from hurt, but you can keep a child from injury by being proactive with intentional parenting.  McCoy also stated that Good parents leave scars.  We have scars from when we were being raised.  Our kids have scars, too; and that’s okay.  Intentional parents leave scars.  McCoy assured us that someday, our kids will thank us for the times they left scars to keep us from real injury.  To illustrate his point, McCoy recounted a touching story (from the Orlando Journal) about boy whose father rescued him from an alligator attack.  I won’t spoil the story, but it was one that brought tears to many in the room.

    What McCoy is suggesting is that there are times that we have to “suck it up” and let our kids hurt, for sometimes, the “healthy hurt” provides for growth that is necessary to prepare kids for the path.  He is not advocating abuse of any sort; rather, he’s suggesting that we don’t try to jump in and solve our kids’ problems for them every step of the way.  We have to trust that we’ve given them the tools—that we’ve communicated and modeled our values for them—and that they will grow in wonderful ways because of their experiences.  They will be prepared for whatever life brings their way.
  • Tell your kids that you love them.  It’s really that simple:  tell your kids you love them; get in the habit now, he argues, noting especially that dads need to tell their sons often that they love them.

He notes that parents need to work together to be intentional parents, while also drawing heavily on faith as a guide for teaching and values.  His talk especially hit home when he discussed four different stages of parenting, what he calls the Four “C’s” of parenting.

  • Birth-8:  Caregiver stage.  Children rely on us for everything during this stage:  diapering, feeding, comforting, etc.  They depend on us to meet their needs.
  • 8-14:  Coach stage.  We become the “guy with the whistle” during activities.  We take on a mentor role, and our kids still respect us as parents.  They think we are smart; they believe (and believe in) us. 
  • 14-21:  Cop stage.  At this stage, your role as a parent is to “police” activities; you lead interrogations rather than engage in intimate talks.  Your children think you’re stupid, and they resent the “stupid” rules you put in place and enforce.  McCoy emphasizes that being intentional in the previous two stages helps with this stage.
  • 21-on:  Consultant.  At this point in your child’s life, he or she has left home (we hope). As a “consultant,” your goal is to be used so that the relationship is not over.  Your child will look to you for advice and guidance while remaining his or her own person, whom you’ve helped guide over the years.  Again, McCoy states that if we have been intentional in the other stages, our relationship with our children is there, and they will use us as consultants.

The cycle continues, of course, as we, then, become caregivers to our parents.  He asked us this question:  How are we preparing our children to be our caregivers?  Makes many of us pause for a moment, doesn’t it?

McCoy ended the evening by stating simply, “Life is wonderful.  Have a plan and be intentional.  Get involved.  Prepare the child for where you want him to go.”

And that’s all we can do, really:  Be involved.  Be intentional.  Suck it up.  Love our kids.  In this “me-me-me” society, in this “it’s-not-my-fault” world, we’ve got to do a better job as parents.  And short of nightly home-cooking or a weekly purging of the closets, that’s just what I intend to do—lice or no lice.

See?  I’m sucking it up already.