The words "Department of Public Safety" used to send shivers down my spine.  Years ago, with one of my children who was trying to get his driver’s permit, we spent 5 hours at the DPS office waiting for him to take a written test for his driver’s permit, only to have a very aggressive woman officer “suggest” I was not telling the truth about the length of our experience.  I had also heard horror stories from friends where clerks dissected the documents that they were using to prove residency (and they were residents!) only to send them home for more documentation. So when it was time for my daughter’s driving test, I was nervous. She had done “Parent Taught Driver’s Ed” which requires a multitude of paperwork and logs.  I spent much of the morning making sure that I had every possible piece of paper that I could need. When we arrived at our appointed time (early actually), we were greeted by a friendly woman who treated us kindly and warmly--she even gave my daughter helpful advice before my daughter began the actual driving test. Kindness--it goes a long way. Did the requirements change? No. Did the attendant waive something that needed to happen? No. Did she change our experience solely by being kind? YES! How about you? This kind woman changed not only OUR experience, she changed the whole face of the DPS for me. So I ask myself, what can I change by just being kind? In caring for your parent, are you kind to others? What about being kind to the clerks or medical assistants when you are pressed for time? Are you kind to others when you are stressed about situations? Are you kind to others when your waiting is longer than expected? Kindness is not something that you can muster up--at least not much or for very long. Kindness is not a random act as we often hear--it is very intentional. Kindness is considering others ahead of ourselves. It is an overflow from something deep inside, a desire to honor others above myself. It is having enough margin in my schedule to allow for inconveniences and interruptions.  It is acknowledging my own desire to be treated well and thereby starting to do it for others. I want to be like the lady at the DPS-I want to love and serve others WELL no matter what I am called to do. She made a difference from her desk there that day-I want to do the same!

It’s that time of year again--the time when florists and grocery stores charge twice the usual price for roses and “good” boyfirends and husbands go to Jared’s Jewelry as required by television commercials. But the older I get the more I realize that love is a CAT--that’s right, a CAT. It is a COMMITMENT, an ACTION and a TACTIC for living and loving well!

First of all love is a COMMITMENT. Our world would tell us that love is a feeling but life has taught most of us by now that feelings are REAL but not RELIABLE. If we live by feelings alone, we will make many mistakes. But when you commit to something or SOMEONE (like an aging parent!), you choose to love them and serve them no matter how you feel.

Secondly, love is an ACTION. It’s a verb-something you choose to do, to act upon, to carry out. Love is what you do, not how you feel. Sometimes the two line up but sometimes they don’t! Choose to love anyway.

And lastly, love is a TACTIC, a method that you choose ahead of time about how you will act. It is not manipulative but it is a strategy, a preplanned way to act and live. It’s choosing to show love even when things do not go our way. It ‘s choosing to show love even to people that are rude, critical or hard to get along with. It is knowing how you will respond before things happen because it is a proactive choice and not a reactionary response. So this Valentine’s Day, use the acronym CAT to guide your choices about expressing your love-to those you find easy to love but especially to those who may be harder to love.

In caring for your parent, it is not always easy to love because you are pulled in many directions. You have your own stresses, worries, and responsibiblities. Loving others around you does not mean you do everything that they ask in the timing that they ask for it, but you respond in a loving way and process all information before reacting in a negative way. Choosing to love with the CAT method helps you respond in a way that you have chosen to act long before the conflict.

“It’s freezing cold outside. Put on your shoes or you will catch your death of pneumonia.....” When my kids were little, my dad lived behind us in a back house in our backyard. Many times our kids would run out to ‘Poppa’s’ barefooted, yes, even in the freezing cold winter! One of their favorite ingrained memories from my dad is when he would say to them that if they did not wear shoes, they would get sick. It’s funny the things that the next generation will remember. Or even those around us. How would others characterize you? It could be one little, seemingly, small saying (put on your shoes or you will get pneumonia!) or action that others around you will remember.  We can be remembered as one who huffed and puffed when life threw us some lemons or one who turned those lemons into lemonade. Our children and others around are watching and learning from us everyday. It is true that actions speak everyday to those around us--our choices, priorities, reactions to external circumstances. How do we choose between spouse time, kid time, work time, the things facing us every single morning and those that are down the street? What do you want to be remembered for? Start by working our ways backwards. Begin with the END in mind. We need to be intentional about the things we say and do, and then we can be on the road to being remembered by the way we lived--hopefully embracing each day and being “characterized” by those things we hold dear! My dad really did believe that not wearing shoes would make you sick. I’m just not sure he would realize how much my kids remember his saying that! But they also remember someone who loved them dearly, valued them as individuals, cared for them deeply ...... and also, he really didn’t want them to get sick!!

In our society we have turned much of this holiday into focusing our efforts on gift giving.  For some people, choosing gifts is stressful, but I enjoy the gift giving aspect because I enjoy shopping!  I can see that the focus on gifts could be considered overdone. “What do you want from Santa,” we ask small children. “Are you ready for Christmas,” we ask, really meaning “Have you finished your shopping?”  And then the all familiar, “What did you get for Christmas?”  This is one of my favorites (NOT!), and sure to make one of you feeling a little worse about yourself than when you began the conversation.  “Your husband got you a new coffee mug--oh that’s great; I got a fur coat.”  You see my point. Why do we do that?  Hopefully, as adults we find our greatest joy in the giving, not the getting as we may have done as children. When I think of my fondest gift-related memories, they really are about GIVING that perfect gift, not RECEIVING it. As my dad began to get older, yes, he may have enjoyed a new sweater or an gadget or two, but he usually received far more items that he needed.  Don’t we all?  It seems like his best and most valued gifts were coupons that we would make to do acts of service for him--one coupon good for cleaning windows, cleaning out the refrigerator, closet, pantry, medicine cabinet.   After my dad passed away we found medicine that was 20 years old!  Coupons could also be about driving them to a favorite restaurant or to run errands.  We learned that the best gift to him was to spend time with him--to love him by serving him, by enjoying time with him, by putting him before ourselves. The greatest act of love is usually about time and not just stuff.  We all reach the point in life where we do not NEED one more knick knack, clothing item or device. But at the same time as someone older is not needing any THING, they may be needing more HELP.  So this year when contemplating the perfect gift for your parent, go to the computer and type out a coupon to go along with that new tie or cozy blanket!